10 Things No One Tells You About Turning 30

I’m still on the sweet side of 35, but let me tell you that my thirtieth birthday brought a lot more than DQ ice cream cake and another-year-older-wisdom. I went from being a bright-eyed, wrinkle-free new mom to waking up fumbling for my glasses in order to pop in my dentures almost overnight. Ok, so that may be a bit of an exaggeration, but still. Here’s what I’ve learned, (the hard way), since my 30th birthday.

1. Staying up past 9 p.m. is a chore. Unless of course I have even the slightest trace of caffeine after 10 a.m. in which case I’ll be wide awake all night long. There’s a very fine line between nodding off at work and inadvertently pulling an all-nighter; it’s about 2 teaspoons too much of caffeine. But even then, I’d rather have another root canal than have to get ready and leave the house after 9. Not gonna happen. Unless your bachelorette party is at noon on a Sunday I’m not coming. That body-shaped indent on the couch didn’t happen overnight y’all. And it’s calling my name…

2. You start getting gray hair! And in case you are young enough not to know, they aren’t just gray. They are thick, coarse, super sparkly gray hairs that catch the light and shine like Kim K’s derriere when she broke the internet. Yeah, I said it. And speaking of hair, you start finding them in places you never imagined. Like the middle of your forehead. I might not even need a Halloween costume next year.

3. Suddenly you’re hearing words in normal conversation that you don’t even understand. Like bae, fleek, turnt, extra, and woke. And nothing makes you feel older than sitting in a room full of millennials discussing their bitcoin portfolios. The last time I was this confused was in my high school Spanish class, but at least then I could copy off the smart girl so no one knew I was the only one still turnt from the weekend. Wow, that sounds even dumber when you type it.

4. Not only are words getting weirder, but names are too. I saw a young mom with the cutest baby outside the library the other day. (Yes, there are still libraries! Read a book, people.) I asked her what the baby’s name was and she said *ASTERISK*. Have we run out of names!? I’m sure she saw the look of disgust I didn’t bother trying to hide from my face and she was probably thinking, “who does that old lady think she is?” And, “she really should wax her forehead!”

5. “Ring of fire” takes on a whole new meaning. What used to sound like a Lord of the Rings reference now has me taking a hard pass on those deep-fried extra-hot jalapeño poppers. Habanero salsa? No thanks, I have to work tomorrow. And I’d like to stay married a little while longer.

6. You realize you never actually had a real hangover. In your college days it was nothing to slam 15 beers and several shots with names like “Flamin’ Beaver, Brass Monkey, and Slippery Nipple,” on a Tuesday night before waking up and doing it all again less than 24 hours later. After 30, a half a glass of red wine on a full stomach has me crawling to the medicine cabinet at 3 a.m. to slam some ibuprofen. Cheers.

7. You begin referring to people as kids. And then you realize they are like 26. And before you know it your 20 year high school reunion is here and no one feels young in a room with 300 classmates each trying to impress each other with their 401k’s and talking about “the good old days”. Hey, at least we aren’t eating Tide pods for fun.

8. Workout pains become a thing. None of us are getting any younger and at this age, maintaining your fitness is more important than ever. Those 10 pounds you gained after college quickly turned into 50. Oh, just me? Shut up. Either way, the point is that working out is not as easy as it used to be. It feels like just yesterday I was the young peppy girl in the gym and now I’m the overweight, under slept mom who shows up with my pants on inside out groaning every time I have to get up off the floor. Is it nap time yet?

9. You don’t care anymore what people think. Recently I got in my car and drove down the street with my coffee mug on the roof. I realized it just as I approached the end of my street where the cool neighborhood high school kids were gathered waiting for the bus. They were pretty amused at the crazy old hairy mom lady who had to get out and rescue her cup. Five years ago, I would have been mortified. Now, I raised that mug high in a toast and hollered out “This is your brain after kids,” because, the more you know…

10. You start to forget things. Like I just forgot what the 10th thing was even going to be. But I bet it was funny. Yes, really, really funny. I’ll think of it at midnight since today was a two-cups-of-coffee morning.

I don’t mean to sound so negative; there’s some really great things about being 30 too. Like having money in my savings account. And not having to search through my disaster of a purse for my ID when I’m buying my boxed wine at 711. I just wish I would have appreciated my twenties a little better. Maybe savored a few more chili peppers or dyed my hair a little less when I didn’t have to. And listened to more music when it was still good. So all you teens and twenties out there- enjoy it. Because once 30 comes around, it smacks you in the wrinkled face and there’s no turning back. So you just have to roll with it. And stock up on Tums.

Over 30? What’s the one thing that surprised you the most. Don’t be shy, comment below. And subscribe!