I have one child. He’s five, but if you haven’t heard by now, he thinks he’s fourteen. I’ve certainly got my work cut out for me with this one and I’m perfectly content with my cozy little family of three. In fact, I’m pretty proud that I’ve even kept him alive this long, thank you very much. *takes a bow*
But people like to tell me that I should have more kids. That I’m “doing it wrong.” That I’m being selfish or that I’m psychologically damaging my child by not bringing more humans into this world for the sole purpose of giving him the status of “brother”.
Don’t get me wrong; I admire all of you parents of two, three, four, and even (gasp!), FIVE kids- but I am just not cut out for all that. The thought of being responsible for keeping more than one child fed, dressed, alive, and out the door by 7 a.m. before starting my 9-5 makes my head spin faster than the propeller of the boat I can afford (since I only have one kid).
So I’ve come up with 5 benefits of having (just) one offspring that I’ll share with you now:
1. When you find a LEGO floating in the toilet, permanent marker scribbled on the butler’s bedroom door, (just kidding, our butler doesn’t live with us), or your brand new limited edition Chanel eye palette smeared across the couch, (just kidding, I don’t wear Chanel makeup), you don’t have to wonder who to yell at. You already know. And they know you know. Which saves a whole lot of guesswork so you can get straight to the part where you punish them and they laugh in your face.
2. Coming from families of three and four kids, my husband and I weren’t afforded commodities like braces, college, or second dinners. But with having just one, we might just be able to scrape up enough cash so that he can afford the therapy he will undoubtedly need by the time he reaches college. Which brings me to back to college. Of course we aren’t making any promises but if he’s lucky and I’m able to cut the cord and let him leave my home, we are planning on funding his tuition. Assuming he doesn’t get himself incarcerated before then, which judging by his kindergarten record with the Principal we aren’t ruling out just yet.
3. It’s a lot easier to neglect one child than it is to neglect, say, three. We all have those days when we just can’t mom anymore, so we dial up the Nanny, Netflix; turn her up extra loud and slip off into the bathroom to pee alone for a few minutes and dream about the days when every door knob in your home wasn’t coated with some dried up mystery crust. Somehow, even the magic of SpongeBob Square Pants isn’t enough to keep my kid from finding me within 3 and a half minutes to ask me if he can have second lunch. “Yes”, I tell him, since he’s the only mouth we have to feed…..
4. We aren’t outnumbered. People with multiple kids often complain to me that they are outnumbered by their children. Not gonna happen with one. Even if my husband leaves me someday for his secretary, I’ll still have just the one kid. And one kid plus one stubborn Taurus mom equals still not outnumbered. Winning.
5. When we die, there won’t be a family battle over our inheritance, (or lack there of). Let’s face it, I have a son so I’ll probably be living in a home by age 59 and will be lucky if I talk to him more than once every 6 months. But at least I can die knowing that no one is fighting over my remains or my New Kids on the Block memorabilia. It’s all yours, son!
So next time someone wants to school me on all the ways I’m damaging my son by not giving him the sweet everlasting gift of siblings, I’ll refer them to this article and they can see for themselves all the ways he’ll be damaged anyway. I mean, aren’t we all?