Lindsay for President!
So it’s ‘back to school’ time and you know what that means- more pressure to join the PTO! For those of you who aren’t familiar with what PTO stands for- shame on you! Just kidding, you are one lucky Mother! Or Father. And it stands for Parent Teacher Organization. Sounds thrilling, right?
Before kids, I always imagined I’d be the perfect PTO mom. Heck, maybe even the PTO president!
I mean, my mom made it all look so easy. Every day she walked us to school and then had all day to like mail letters and get film developed or whatever moms did before social media and smart phones. She attended every class party, every school function, and the school staff knew her by name. She had time to sew, cook, clean, and do our science fair projects for us, (blue ribbon, thank you very much). So I figured, how hard could it be, the PTO? You just show up for the monthly meeting, rah rah rah, take a vote for something, plan the bake sale, get mad props, your kid gets A’s, the end. Right?
Fast forward about 20 years to now, when I actually AM a mom, and I realize now that my simple bake sale visions were a little short-sighted.
You see, it’s just that I’m tired.
I don’t have the option to stay home during the day and I don’t know what’s bigger- my to-do list, the unopened emails in my inbox, or the stack of dishes on my counter. It’s probably a 3-way tie. I’m not even sure if we have a mop, it’s been that long since I’ve seen it.
Five days of my week go a little something like this: wake up way too early after way too little sleep, (but somehow I’m already late, go figure). Attempt to shower and groom myself while simultaneously waking, dressing, and feeding a crabby back-talking mini-me. Pack a kid’s lunch that wont be eaten. Clean up the aftermath of a breakfast that wasn’t eaten. Run up and down the stairs 72 times. Let dog out 12 times. Clean up cat puke. Get kid to school.
And then just when I’m finally ending my shift, my 8 hour work day begins.
Coast 30 minutes to work on E because there’s just no time to fill up. Get to work 5 minutes late, which for me is right on time. Work a few hours before cramming 5 errands into my already-too-short lunch break. Work more hours. Drive 30 minutes back home, in traffic. Promptly make hot meal for “starving” family and then spend twice as long cleaning it all up. Homework. Blah Blah Blah. Finally think about sitting on the couch. Look at clock. It’s PTO time.
I don’t know about you, but when the couch and a bowl of ice cream are calling my name after 15 hours of nonstop nonsense, that’s going to win, every single time. #sorrynotsorry. Getting back into my car, driving 15 minutes in the dark to go sit some more, is just not high on my Tuesday night priority list, no matter how much I love my kid and his school. I just can’t seem to do it. I mean, maybe if they gave out vouchers to skip work the next day or something, I’d consider. In fact, they’d probably have a record breaking attendance…
Here’s the deal- I may be at home all comfy, rocking my (three-sizes-too-small) senior sweats, pinning meals I’ll never make, (clearly making the most of all the extra time I suddenly have by not attending the meeting), but it’s not like I don’t feel bad about it.
I know that all those good, unlazy moms are sitting in those hard, plastic, child-size chairs with the sole interest of their child’s education in mind and I feel it, hard.
The mom guilt.
You know what it feels like. That nagging little voice telling you that your mom would have never skipped a PTO meeting. That the other moms love their kids more than you and that they probably have a secret Facebook page set up specifically to take bets on who isn’t going to show up. And you’re at the top of the list, again.
There’s A New PTO In Town
So what can we do? Well, it’s 2018. And that means just one thing:
Social Media is killing us all.
So why not throw one more thing into the mix- the PTO meetings! Let’s live-stream those babies- straight from the school to my couch. Genius, right? Who doesn’t think this a great idea? Seriously, who? It’s a win-win for everyone. Human contact is overrated anyway, right?
Well I guess I hit the jackpot of schools because that’s exactly what my son’s school recently decided to do. I think they said it increased attendance from like 6 to 20,000. Or something like that, who cares I DON’T HAVE TO LEAVE MY HOUSE!
Have you ever attended a school meeting with a glass of Moscato in hand? Well I have and let me tell you- It’s glorious and I highly recommend it! You might even get a little extra adventurous and sign up to chair the field day, or become treasurer; heck maybe you’ll even run for PTO president! The opportunities are really endless now that you can drink and don’t even have to have a bra on! Hallelujah!
However, we can’t all be pajama warriors- so let’s have a moment of silence for the good noble people that still have to actually show up to stream the meetings to us lazy folk and then raise our glass in cheers to the book fair, bake sale, teacher week, and all the other parenty stuff I’m probably going to inadvertently sign up for from my weakened state, (drunk on my couch).
And if you want to be a keyboard and wine PTO warrior like me, then get involved! Dust off that laptop and send an email to your kid’s school. Tell them that some lazy mom blogger gets to drink during meetings and that you want to, too! (Just dont give them my name).
And if that doesn’t work, I suggest homeschool. Where you can drink all day long and every day is a PTO meeting.
Lindsay is a 33 or 34 year old somewhat-responsible wife and mother who wants CPS and her local school board to know that she doesn’t actually get drunk during meetings. She just thinks about it.